So I've got 15 min before I leave for the airport and I thought "it's been a month . .let's make an entry on Xanga" after so many entries in my real life journal haha. I've been doing a lot of thinking these 4 months. I'm sure anyone who has spoken to me knows that. . lots and lots of evaluation of my life, from childhood to the recent events that spurred all this reflection of my life. Maybe some time when I have something different to say than what's been penned in my journal I'll have it here too for future records?

What's important is that I feel 4 months is enough time I think for "looking back" and it's time to just look forward again. I've been going through a purging phase this week. . getting rid of old clothes, gifts, etc. . just useless things that have no more purpose in my life, or can only bring trouble. Hopefully I don't have to throw everything away as trash since it'd be nice to get some money out of it, or to know that it's helping someone else if I end up having to donate. This is a big step for me. I get very attached to inanimate objects that have been with me for awhile, or have some meaning behind it. . though some objects were easier to let go of emotionally than others. As I sold those 2 pieces that I've worn for so many years and had such strong feelings towards before. . I got this feeling where I wasn't sure if I could do it. . but then the thought "what if I didn't sell/trade it now?" made it clear to me I had to just be rid of it, no matter how little I was going to get for them.

I still get inklings of feeling like I may be moving too fast in this process, but I understand that for each person it takes a different amount of time to be done with these things. I guess as a person who's left many people behind, and who has said goodbye many times, maybe it's normal to be able to put it down at this pace? My family would probably say I took too long to get here, but I've never really had to say goodbye to someone who has been so close for so many years and left under such conditions. No one had ever betrayed me to that degree... so I could argue that I needed that amount of time to them, no? =)

So I think I'm getting sick. . .and I remembered this old fear of mine. I think everyone knows who Bunny is =). I used to have these fears of getting sick when I was little, because I read the Velveteen rabbit. I would think if I got really sick, my mom would throw Bunny out, like they threw the Velveteen rabbit out when the kid got scarlet fever. So I always was scared haha. At the same time, though, I would feel bad because what if Bunny WANTED to be thrown out to become a REAL bunny rabbit?? I thought I was holding him back Hopefully, Bunny loves being who he is ^__^